I am one of those people who used to feel guilty about doing things just for fun.
Ever since I moved to the U.S. to start my undergraduate education, I have been socialized to feel the need to be productive all the time. For example, when I do chores, such as folding my laundry or cleaning, I had to put my podcast player on to feel like I am not "wasting my time." When I turn on Netflix, I felt compelled to choose something of "learning value," either a documentary or a Spanish TV show, to at least Netflix my time away to something educational or learning Spanish. Even worse, I watched Ted Talks during my lunch breaks so that I could still learn something while eating. I used almost only to read non-fiction because I found them more "practical."
During graduate school, I was balancing part-time work and full-time coursework. I wanted to feel like I could handle anything that comes my way. I constantly sought out podcasts, articles, and YouTube videos with titles like "How to be a productive person", "Tips for optimizing your day", and "10 tricks for getting things done". I would mimic those "productivity gurus" to try out different productivity apps and methods to optimize my productivity. When I couldn't handle everything, I felt like a failure when everyone seemed to have their act together. Now thinking back, I was hardly giving myself a real break.
For a long time, my sense of self-worth depended on how productive I was or how much I could get done in an hour. If I didn't complete everything on my to-do list for the day, I would tell myself that I am not good enough. If I didn't go through every single unread email in my inbox at the end of the day, I would feel behind. I was trying to get as much as done in a day. I was not prioritizing my health; I was not prioritizing my sleep. I was burned out without realizing that I was burned out or really what that meant.
Productivity guilt, later on, I learned, is a result of internalizing toxic capitalisms, in which our self-worth equals our productivity, and "wasting time" is bad. And it ruled my life for a long time.
Capitalism tells us unless we are productive, "docile bodies" (Foucault, 1995), then we cannot be worthy in "the capitalist factory" (Lafargue, 1904): "the capitalist factory" (ibid), of course, being the world we inhabit.
This toxic capitalism permeates throughout our lives, and it has not only led to a stressful working culture where we equate our self-worth with our productivity, but it also continues to perpetuate ableism and oppression of disabled people.
Since the pandemic, I hear more and more people talking about prioritizing mental health, sleep, and exercise to boost our immune system to stay healthy, how we should enjoy things for the pure fun of it, and how we should feel okay to be not productive all the time. The more I hear those things, the more okay I think about relaxing and paying attention to my well-being because I didn't want to get sick. Sharing is normalizing.
Because of the quarantine and the flexibility given by the work-from-home situation, I had more time to prioritize my sleep, my exercise routine, and my mental health.
I started to exercise more.
I learned to stop and walk away from my workstation at 5 pm.
I started to feel less guilty about sleeping in a little bit on the weekends.
I started to do more things just for fun and enjoy the present.
I started to feel okay about taking sick leaves when I need a mental break.
I started to read and enjoy more fiction, which has opened up the world for me.
All of this sounds so simple, basic, and basic, sometimes cliché, but it took me a long time and a lot of conscious effort to start even trying. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I don't, but I keep trying.
a sweet moment in life.
Here are some of the things that have helped me. Maybe they will help you too.
Therapy. I only started seeing a therapist last year at the peak of the pandemic when I was really stressed about everything, and my therapist made me feel okay about using sick leave for mental health breaks more generously and prioritizing what's most important to me.
Podcasts. I love all of the Life Kit podcasts, especially its health section.
Here are two excellent episodes:
Articles. Not everyone is as productive as you think. Read How Is Anyone Being Productive Right Now? and How to Prioritize When There's Always More To Do.
What are some of the things that have helped you?
Ultimately, this journey is not about how productivity should not be pursued, but rather, how to not let productivity define who I am.
It's about giving myself the permission to relax, recharge, rest, and feel okay about not being productive 100% of the time.
It's about how to shake off that productivity guilt that makes me think of myself as "less than" and "not enough."
It's about restoring a culture where the human value in life is not measured solely by what we do and how much we produce but also through the joy and happiness each of us creates and brings to the world.
Yesss!!!
I have noticed, I daily split my attention into many fragments, trying to do lots of things at the same time. Like I'm starting to listen to the podcast you mentioned above, but I just paused it. I've heard it said that women can multitask much better than men. Studies also show that multitasking is not healthy for the mind. As if modern society isn't enough, this constantly being bombarded, but this attraction repulsion tendency... to pull in so much and then feel I must understand it all. It's a mind-F. It crowds my own thoughts out. However, I'm old enough and cranky enough to put a stop to it. After reading this and the other one on the two sleep books you suggested, I'm going on a mental holiday and going to chill out NOW.