Homecoming Part 1: the before

After six long years, I am finally going home.

Sep 24, 2024

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I write about many things personal: growing up in China and finding home in the U.S., the bittersweetness of a life between two cultures, and the stories that gave me strength along the way, from books, films, and real life. Everything is free for now, and you can sign up here:

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This the first part of my homecoming series where I write about

This post was originally written in early August.

Six Years

When I was five, my uncle lived in Japan for five years in his twenties. To save money on travel, he did not visit home once until his final return. At that age, I couldn’t fathom how someone could be away for so many years. He was gone for half my life—he left when I was five and came home when I was ten. When I left home 12 years ago to study in the U.S., I was sure I’d visit every year. I never imagined being away for so long.

After enduring several years of COVID-19 travel restrictions, navigating changes to my visa status, and recovering from two surgeries six months apart, I will finally visit my childhood home in two weeks. It felt unimaginable when my uncle was away for five years, and it feels equally surreal now that I’ve been gone for six. The last time I saw my extended family, I was only 24, in the middle of graduate school; now, I’m returning as a 30-year-old, married, and five years into my professional life.

I've become the person I never imagined I'd be—the one who’s been away for too long.

Costco Supplements

A suitcase brimming with Costco supplements has become the unofficial ticket to going home. It’s expected—no matter how many layovers we endure or how many flights of stairs we struggle through at the train station, no matter how cramped our suitcase becomes. Back home, everyone loves a bargain.

"Why pay more here when you can get them cheaper over there?"

"These supplements are from the United States. They're better quality."

A few bottles of CoQ10, several jars of Vitamin D3, and a handful of Centrum Adult Multivitamins 50+ later, our two large suitcases are quickly overweight and unwieldy. Before even considering the supplements, we began removing our clothes and heavy snacks to make more room.

At least, we’ll get the Costco cashback.

Airport Dreams

Over the past few years, I've had vivid, recurring dreams of being at an airport, ready to board an international flight to New Zealand or Iceland, always the dreamy destinations, only to realize I don’t have the necessary visa to re-enter the U.S.1 Sometimes, my dream would begin when I land. I’d suddenly remember that I still lack the visa needed to go through customs. I’d always wake up relieved yet slightly disappointed, realizing I was still in California and didn’t need my visa yet.

Oddly, I’ve never had dreams of going back home to China. Perhaps that reflects my fear of finally returning after so many years away. The longer I've been away, the more apprehensive I've become about returning. I wonder if I would still feel like I belong after so much time away. With the rapid changes happening in China every year, I fear I might no longer recognize my hometown. I'm also afraid of confronting the reality that my grandparents are aging, and my cousins are growing up. Of course, they’re changing—just as I am. But somehow, I wish nothing had changed since I last saw them. I wish they still looked the same as they did six years ago. I wish time had stood still for them while I’ve been away.

In less than two weeks, I will be boarding my first international flight in over six years—not to New Zealand or Iceland, but home.

Thank you for reading Part 1 of my Homecoming series.

Update: all five parts are out now.

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