How does one prepare for parenthood?
Fragmented notes from the third trimester.
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I write about the quiet, complicated, and often contradictory parts of life, especially identity, home, and this new chapter of becoming a parent. This space is where I share honest storytelling, personal reflections, and moments that don’t always make it into casual conversations. If that sounds like your kind of thing, I’m so glad you’re here.
I look very pregnant now. The baby is moving and kicking more forcefully each day. Strangers have started asking when I am due. Friends and colleagues want to know how the baby prep is going and whether we feel ready.
We have gathered most of the essentials, but can I really know if I’m mentally prepared for what’s ahead?
I ordered books on pregnancy, breastfeeding, and sleep training, which turned out to be too early and too stressful. I also assigned Arthur to be responsible for reading the Mayo Clinic’s Guide to Baby’s First Years. After working our way through some of them, I took a two-month break and returned to reading non-baby books (I think Arthur did too). It was too much to be reading baby books all day long. I needed a breather.
When will we get to travel again?
I am scared that we won’t be able to travel as much as we used to. Out of that fear, I’ve been trying to squeeze in as many trips as possible. We spent two weeks in London over the holidays, a few days in Portland in March, and a week in New York City in May. We have one more trip next weekend to spend some time in the woods.
While I was at the library this weekend, I grabbed the Lonely Planet California Road Trip guide from the travel section and started to look for travel ideas in December. By then, the baby would only be a few months old. When I told a friend with two young kids about this, she laughed and said I was being naive, that I’d learn the hard way once I was in the deep end of caring for a baby.
She’s probably right. We’ll likely be sleep-deprived zombies in a few months, and a road trip with an infant might be the last thing I want to do. But for now, just thinking about it gives me something to look forward to. Stay tuned.
Is it realistic to delay childhood screen time for as long as possible?
Last year, Arthur and I both read Cal Newport’s Digital Minimalism and, more recently, we’ve been following the conversations around Jonathan Haidt's The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness, including his interviews with Ezra Klein and Trevor Noah. Haidt’s words really stuck with me:
“Designing a firehose of addictive content that enters through kids’ eyes and ears, and by crowding out physical play and in-person socializing, these companies have rewired childhood and changed human development on an almost unimaginable scale.”
The message is nothing new: being glued to a screen is bad for everyone, but especially harmful for young children and teens, whose brains are still developing and who are just beginning to form a sense of self. What’s new is that it’s no longer just a concept. It’s something I’ll have to grapple with very soon.
We want to delay childhood screen time for as long as possible. As idealistic or maybe even naive as it might sound, we want to raise kids who can entertain themselves without a screen and who can deal with boredom.
To do that, setting a good example ourselves feels like a start. I deleted Instagram from my phone for good, deactivated my Twitter account (something I probably should’ve done a long time ago), and turned off all app notifications except for phone calls and messages. I now send photos and updates directly to close friends and group chats. I no longer try to engage with everyone by posting stories on Instagram. I focus on a few, more meaningful connections and friendships. And it’s been deeply more meaningful for me, and I hope, for my friends too.
Writing here on Subtack has also reminded me of the value of long-form thinking. Crafting thoughts into full sentences and paragraphs is much harder and time-consuming than posting a quick story or a photo. But it gives my brain room to breathe and think more deeply. I feel much calmer, more grounded, and happier.
If I don’t want to see a future where my kids’ brains are rewired and short-circuited by devices, staying off social media and limiting my own screen time feels like the least I can do right now.
How do we pass on the language we speak?
Arthur and I speak to each other in Mandarin Chinese. But lately, it’s been harder to finish a sentence without slipping in English words here and there. It gets worse when we talk about work, politics, or any complex topics. English often takes over entirely because it just feels easier for both of us.
I use English to write here, and I often think in English, too. It’s a natural, if unfortunate, result of having lived in the U.S. for the past twelve years.
It never felt like a problem until now: we want to raise our child speaking Chinese exclusively at home. We both agree it’s important to pass on the language we grew up with, the language our families and ancestors use. But if we keep mixing English into our conversation, how can we expect our child to respond only in Chinese, especially when English will be the language that they will interact with everywhere else?
So we’re making a more intentional effort now to speak only Mandarin at home, even if it means pausing mid-sentence or Googling a Chinese word to get it right. It is one small but meaningful step toward becoming the kind of parents we hope to be.
The good enough parent
Between the two of us, I’ve been the one feeling more stressed about the baby’s arrival. I am the one giving birth, so a lot of that is biology doing the work. On the other hand, I am also grateful that at least one of us is more relaxed about parenthood. While Arthur is more stressed about other things, he’s been much calmer about the baby prep.
While I scroll through articles and get influenced by mom influencers (yet another reason to stay off social media), Arthur remains calm. Whenever I ask whether we should order something for the baby, he usually convinces me to wait until we actually need it. My anxious brain has gotten us the essentials early, mostly from Facebook marketplace and buy nothing groups. His calmer mind on this front has made the whole process more manageable. I think that’s why we make a good team.
Just yesterday, I mentally ran through all the things still left to do (there’s plenty), and I realized that I still don’t know how to change a diaper. I asked Arthur what we’d do if our daughter arrived, and I still haven’t figured it out.
He responded, “That should be the least of your worries. Do you know any parents who still don’t know how to change a diaper? We’ll have plenty of chances to practice.”
That was enough for me to move on to the next thing.
I will never be fully ready for parenthood, no matter how many books I read, how many baby items we buy (or don’t buy), or how much time we spend setting goals in advance. But we will try our best. We will fail plenty of times, and we will keep trying.
Some day, our kids will realize that we are only human, flawed and imperfect. But hopefully, we’ll have done a good enough job by then, raising them into emotionally robust human beings.
What comforts me most is something I read in The Good Enough Parent by The School of Life:
Flawed but kind parents do their children an enormous service: they prepare them for the world as it is. With love, good will and plenty of mistakes, they ready them for the only life they are ever likely to lead: one that is deeply imperfect but good enough.
💌 If this resonated with you…
I write about the quiet, complicated, and often contradictory parts of life, especially identity, home, and this new chapter of becoming a parent. You can find more of my writing on similar topics here. If you’d like to support this kind of honest storytelling and receive more personal reflections like this, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Your support helps keep this space going and means so much to me.
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Tiny Thoughts
Pasta with burst cherry tomatoes is one of my go-to weeknight recipes, this week included. I usually swap pancetta for bacon, and it turns out delicious every time. Sometimes, I think I am ready for parenthood when I can quickly whip up a meal with just a few ingredients from the fridge.
Ricotta and mint take it to the next level. To immerse ourselves more in Mandarin entertainment, we started watching GuessWho: a Taiwanese reality show. Each episode visits an ordinary family, sharing their joys, sorrows, hopes, and regrets. This show has sparked many meaningful discussions around our dinner table about the kind of life we want to build for our family.
When we’re not traveling ourselves, we enjoy watching travel videos. Recently, we’ve been following DownieLive, whose series on narrow boat travel in the UK inspired us to spend a night on a narrowboat during our winter visit to Bath.
The fact that you're thinking about all these things is a really good thing. I'm sure you and your husband will be amazing parents to your baby girl! Good luck with everything and wishing you a safe delivery.
all the best for the last trimester 🙏🏽 if you both already speak to each other in chinese, that’s huge—nothing wrong with a few english words here and there, your child will definitely learn! (sharing as someone whose parents spoke to each other in their language)